Well...it's official. I'm on anti depressants. Danard had a dentist appointment up in the same mall where there's a walk in clinic that I'd been to before, that I liked. So, upon arriving at the dentist office, Danard heading in for his appointment, and I troddled off to the clinic. I just love the comfy chairs they have in the waiting room. I was almost disappointed when I got called into one of the exam rooms. I really want a chair like that for my computer. I think that I'd never leave that chair if I had one of my own.

Anway...I digress...

I went into the exam room and only waited a few minutes (this is one of the things I like about this walk in clinic), the doc asks me what the problem is. Of course, being that I've already been diagnosed with depression, I just came out with it. I said this exactly, "In a word...depression". You should have seen the look on the doc's face when I said that. It was priceless. I'm sure he was thinking, "who on earth does this person think she is, walking in her, with a 'self diagnosis". Of course, what he didn't know, was that not only had I already been diagnoseda few days prior and was off work because of it (which I expertly explained to him), but I'd been diagnosed years ago, and had been on meds at that time, for the same damn thing...I explained that also. The first thing he said, of course, was that when you are put on anti depressants, you should be staying on them. I then explained that I only like to be on meds if there's no other option. He of course, asked if I've had any "suicidal tendancies". I was truthful by saying...not lately, but I have been there before. Well, not completely truthful. What I didn't add to my statements was that I just wouldn't actually DO anything about those types of thought, which I have had lately, fortunately, not within the past few days...

So, we then discussed what meds he would put me on. He suggested prozac. I said "no" tried that once, made me sick. He suggested Zoloft, I said again "no" that one upchucked within 20 mintues the first time I tried it. Then he said Paxil. That one wasn't out of the question, tho I'm still not sure if it was Paxil that I upchucked and Zoloft that was okay, or the other way around. I just stay away from both, just in case. He put me on Celexa, which was what the first doc suggested. This 2nd doc was really puzzled as to why the first doc couldn't actually do the prescribing. I couldn't really give him a reason, only to the effect that she was only supposed to say "yea" or "nea" to me going back to work or not. He also gave me an anti depressant to take at night to help me sleep, which did no such thing, last night...ugh!!!

Day 1 on Celexa was interesting. I was nauscious all day and dizzy, and I felt a wee bit "zombie like". The zombie feeling was probably only because I'm used to the emotional rollercoaster, and that wasn't present. So to me, that's zombie-like. Once I got my tummy feeling okay (which took most of the day), it was time to take the other one...can't remember what it was called. Whooooeeeee! What a trip that was. I was so doped up that I could barely walk in a straight line. And it was the lowest dosage he could give me on that one. Eegads!

Have you ever got to a drunken state where, you weren't passed out in a coma from alcohol poisening, but you were so drunk that it fucked with your mind so that you couldn't sleep? That was me on this stupid medication. It was horrible! I had THE worst sleep ever, last night. I fell asleep for about 2 hours...maybe. Then I woke up. And for the rest of the night, I was in this drugged haze where I'd have a really messed up dream, wake up, toss and turn, then drift off, have another messed up dream (with the same "theme" as the previous), and on it went like that. Don't ask me what these dreams were about, but I know they were all about the same thing. I was so drugged up, that I don't even remember my dreams, which is highly unusual. I just know they were kinda like acid trips. Not that I would know what an acid trip was like, but it's what I would imagine them to be. Let's put it this way, I won't be taking that pill anymore. It was absolutely awful!!! If I ever HAVE to (and it would be last resort), I'd cut it in half, which would make it a 5 mg dosage. That would probably still be more than enough.

Today, the Celexa didn't mess my stomach so much, only a tiny bit, and I didn't feel zombie like. I felt more like myself today, just a very tired version of myself. I still haven't got used to the idea of being back on anti depressants, cuz I told myself that I would never go back on them, but, as everyone keeps telling me, it's not that bad to be on them, when you need to be. I just hate admitting that I can't do it on my own right now. It's more of an ego blow than anything. My goal is still to not to have to be on them for the rest of my life. That...I refuse to do. Given that I know that you can cure yourself of terminal illnesses if you choose to, I refuse to play victim to this depression thing. Not gonna happen. I'm willing to admit that I need "assistance" at this point in my life, right now. But I'll be damned if I'll stay on them permanently, as yesterday's doc was suggesting. No way, no how...

Anyhoo...that's my day today. Oh...and Danard and I had an acupucture and massage appointments today, which were fabulous. Every little bit helps. We were going to go to a sweat lodge tonight, but it would have been a bit too much to handle. Don't wanna overdo it.

Okay...I'm done now. More later. Time for bed...

Morgana