Well. I've been rather complacent in posting these days. Actually a better description would be absolutely exhausted to the point of near collapse. I've also started having anxiety attacks again - something I hadn't experienced in a very long time. I learned how to deal with, stop eventually completely obliterate my anxiety. That is, until I started this job. It didn't start right away, but it wasn't long after starting, that I felt the rumblings of that fear, creeping in. I've spend the past 5 days, using every technique, skill and ability that I have, not to mention, a tremendous amount of energy, to keep a full blown anxiety attack from kicking in. I've been more or less successfull at that, but to the complete depletion of my ability to function as a relatively normal human being.

I went to work on Monday, barely got through the day, and have been calling in sick everday since. I actually went to a councellor on Tuesday about all of this, which I have been told, is not unheard of at this job. There is one thing good about this job, other than the regular pay cheque and really good health benifit package. They also have short term disability insurance. You can get up to 30 days off at full pay. If you have to be off work longer than that, you can qualify for 70% of your pay. I'm now in the process of having the paperwork to submit (and hopefully get approved for) much needed some time off.

Of course, I've been dilgent in keeping everyone informed at work - my team manager, scheduling and the hr departement. The forms needs to be submitted by tomorrow. My councellor (who is fabulous, by the way) said she won't have time to work on it today, due to a lot of bookings today. I'm hoping she can have it done so we can fax it tomorrow.

Anyhoo...that's my life right now. My plan when and if I'm approved for time off? First - to get my energy back, to learn how to get a good night's sleep again, and generallly get healthy again. Second, to figure out what I'm going to do about this whole job thing....maybe start looking for a new one that's more in line with my path. Third - to work on my ebook in which I have an outline that's now 13 chapters long so I can start building that passive income. Goal, maybe even to have it finished. Fourth - to spend some time working on my paintings, and maybe start trying my hand at watercolors, which is not one of my strong points as an artist, to say the least.

It is very interesting, the changes that have taken place over the past 21 days of this exeriment. I do believe that setting that goal has had everything to do with the way things have played out. I was trying to meditate last night, and had some interesting insights. Not sure if these "insights" area really insights, or just that I have completelyl lost my freekin' mind already, but here goes. My feeling was that this time off thing that's in the works, is actually my "safety net" that my higher self has been telling me about for the past 2 months, in terms of that feeling that I had to just quit the day job, altogether. Once I had made the decision to go part time, by no later than May 1, something began to happen. My stress level, that was already at an altime high, went literally beyond my max. My feeling last night was that my higher self / guides, and whoever else had something to do with this, was actually intentionally pushing me to my limit and beyond, so that I would get to the point where I would have to put an application in for time off, or I might end up in the hospital.

This, I was told, was needed for 2 reasons: (1) being that I'm someone who does not abuse a system like this, and would much rather just continue to deal with my job and the stress, than take time off, I had to get pushed to the point where I was getting sick to actually make the decision to apply. (2) so that whoever ended up filling out the forms for me, would really see what this place is doing to me mentally, emotionally, spiritually an physically. I needed to be "at the end of my rope" so to speak, for that to happen.

And believe me, I've been at the end, pretty much. But there's hope now. I won't be taking on any clients for a while yet, needless to say, as I need to work on myself for a while. Plus, we have to spend time getting ready for the Body, Soul and Spirit Expo coming soon. Once I do my own self healing, I suspect that I'll be better than ever and ready to start my new life!! I'm looking forward to that.

If there's anyone out there reading this who is a "potential client or student", I'd like to add this disclaimer: In no way, will this state of mind I'm currently in, affect my ability to perform as a Reiki Master / Teacher / Medical Intuitive. This is completely temporary.

We all go through our "stuff", even healers do, and then have to deal with it. We just need to know when to take time out to take care of ourselves, and I'm learning that lesson up close and personally. Once I get through this phase, I'll be even more capable of showing others, tools to help heal themselves. The idea is to learn from the experience and move on. Hopefully in a way that can help others in the process.

In any case, I'm going to go continue doing the self care thing, and try to do as little as possible for the rest of the day.

More later gang...
Morgana