We have moved to a new home, but for reasons I choose not to get into, I would prefer people to email me for the address to our new home. Please title your email as "new blog website address". I've emailed everyone in my email list of this change, but it seems that no one has noticed that email coming through their boxes, as no one seems to be reading the blog at the new address.
I would prefer these email requests for the new location to be sent to my hotmail account at candice_c555@hotmail.com, so as to prevent possible spam from jamming up my regular email address.
There will be no further posts on this site. If you choose to continue reading our blog, we welcome you to join us at the new location. Both this blog, and "Thunderbird Sky Reiki and Readings" have moved.
Blessings,
Morgana
...and I still have 11 days to go.
Lots to update seeing as it's be almost 2 weeks since I've posted. I've been feeling better in general, except for the past few days. Last week, I was sleeping well, finally. Not so much this week though. Just can't seem to feel rested. Danard and I were going to get acupuncture treatments a couple times a week, and that was helping a lot. We went once this week, but didn't seem to do much for the sleep this time. Not sure what that's about.
We did the Body, Soul and Spirit Expo this past weekend, which was one of the reasons why I didn't have time to post. There was just way too much to do to get ready for it. The show went well. Friday night and Saturday, there was lots of people attending, but no one seemed to want to spend money. We did get some clients on those days, but not like we were hoping for. We weren't the only booth that was experiencing that. Sunday was amazing though. I had one reading after another non-stop. My throat was hoarse by the time we were done, but it was a lot of fun. Danard was really busy with Reiki sessions too. It looks like we'll have lots of classes for the next little bit too. I have someone taking their Master level from me next week, which is awesome! This will be my second master student now.
We also had a referral Reiki client from the show. Someone at the show who really liked what she got, referred a friend of hers to us. Cool stuff! I hope that is a continuing trend.
I also got us signed up for the Lilac Festival for May 28. Can't wait for that. It's very affordable to have a booth there, and last year, 120,000 people went through the festival. And, there's only 2 other psychics signed up so far, and no other Reiki pracititioners at all. So, there won't be any competition. So we should fair pretty well at that show. We also have plans to do a bunch of other festivals this summer too. At some point, I think I might just take a leave of absence to do these shows, plus doing farmers markets and stuff. Could be an interesting summer.
In the not so great happenings, I have to go back to work as of next week. The good thing is that for the first 2 weeks, I only have to be there Mon, Wed, Fri for 4 hour shifts - 9am to 1pm. So, I've got the rest of the days to work on the biz. I really have to get some work done on that book, so I can start getting an income from that. I've also realized that I have other material for a book that I could get done in less than a week. My Reiki manuals. I'm just going to rearrange them a bit, maybe add some stuff and make that an ebook. So, I'm going to get that done by the weekend, and then find out how to get it out there.
I've officially decided that there's no way, no how that I'm going to go back to work on a full time basis. I just know that I can't do it. So, once the doc says that it's time to go back full time, I'll just tell work that I'm officially going part time. I'll do that until the summer starts getting really busy with the business, then take the rest of the summer off. Who knows, maybe I won't have to go back in the fall. We'll see. If we play our cards right, this next month or so, will be the last month or so of the day job scene. I've also decided that this is the last day job that I ever have. Once this one is done, I'm a full time Reiki Master / Teacher, psychic, author. No more day jobs for this kid. I'm done. It's time to just step up to the plate and live my life the way I choose it to be. Period. No more playing by someone else's rules that I don't agree with. I'm quite excited about that. My friend Wendy gave me a reading on Sunday morning that was really good. It confirmed that the "paying the dues" is finally done, and from this point on, I do what I choose. Basically it confirmed the decision that I've made internally.
Of course, being that I know how this stuff works, and I the fact that I know that once you make a choice to go whatever direction you're choosing to go, the Universe will rearrange itself to make that happen. I've done all the lesson learning. This job has been a biggy. It's probably been the thing that's has been the catalyst for me getting to this point. I needed to get to where I was so fed up with the day job thing, that I finally HAD to make a choice to say "no more!". So, I give thanks to this job for finally getting that through my thick skull. If I had stayed at my last job, where I was content...not blissfully happy, but not unhappy (except for the pay), I would have never got the fire to get out of the rat race BS. So, here we are. About to embark on a whole new way of living my life. Whoohoo! Even though I'm tired because of a yuky sleep last few nights, I'm excited about what's to come!
Stay Tuned...
Morgana
Well...it's official. I'm on anti depressants. Danard had a dentist appointment up in the same mall where there's a walk in clinic that I'd been to before, that I liked. So, upon arriving at the dentist office, Danard heading in for his appointment, and I troddled off to the clinic. I just love the comfy chairs they have in the waiting room. I was almost disappointed when I got called into one of the exam rooms. I really want a chair like that for my computer. I think that I'd never leave that chair if I had one of my own.
Anway...I digress...
I went into the exam room and only waited a few minutes (this is one of the things I like about this walk in clinic), the doc asks me what the problem is. Of course, being that I've already been diagnosed with depression, I just came out with it. I said this exactly, "In a word...depression". You should have seen the look on the doc's face when I said that. It was priceless. I'm sure he was thinking, "who on earth does this person think she is, walking in her, with a 'self diagnosis". Of course, what he didn't know, was that not only had I already been diagnoseda few days prior and was off work because of it (which I expertly explained to him), but I'd been diagnosed years ago, and had been on meds at that time, for the same damn thing...I explained that also. The first thing he said, of course, was that when you are put on anti depressants, you should be staying on them. I then explained that I only like to be on meds if there's no other option. He of course, asked if I've had any "suicidal tendancies". I was truthful by saying...not lately, but I have been there before. Well, not completely truthful. What I didn't add to my statements was that I just wouldn't actually DO anything about those types of thought, which I have had lately, fortunately, not within the past few days...
So, we then discussed what meds he would put me on. He suggested prozac. I said "no" tried that once, made me sick. He suggested Zoloft, I said again "no" that one upchucked within 20 mintues the first time I tried it. Then he said Paxil. That one wasn't out of the question, tho I'm still not sure if it was Paxil that I upchucked and Zoloft that was okay, or the other way around. I just stay away from both, just in case. He put me on Celexa, which was what the first doc suggested. This 2nd doc was really puzzled as to why the first doc couldn't actually do the prescribing. I couldn't really give him a reason, only to the effect that she was only supposed to say "yea" or "nea" to me going back to work or not. He also gave me an anti depressant to take at night to help me sleep, which did no such thing, last night...ugh!!!
Day 1 on Celexa was interesting. I was nauscious all day and dizzy, and I felt a wee bit "zombie like". The zombie feeling was probably only because I'm used to the emotional rollercoaster, and that wasn't present. So to me, that's zombie-like. Once I got my tummy feeling okay (which took most of the day), it was time to take the other one...can't remember what it was called. Whooooeeeee! What a trip that was. I was so doped up that I could barely walk in a straight line. And it was the lowest dosage he could give me on that one. Eegads!
Have you ever got to a drunken state where, you weren't passed out in a coma from alcohol poisening, but you were so drunk that it fucked with your mind so that you couldn't sleep? That was me on this stupid medication. It was horrible! I had THE worst sleep ever, last night. I fell asleep for about 2 hours...maybe. Then I woke up. And for the rest of the night, I was in this drugged haze where I'd have a really messed up dream, wake up, toss and turn, then drift off, have another messed up dream (with the same "theme" as the previous), and on it went like that. Don't ask me what these dreams were about, but I know they were all about the same thing. I was so drugged up, that I don't even remember my dreams, which is highly unusual. I just know they were kinda like acid trips. Not that I would know what an acid trip was like, but it's what I would imagine them to be. Let's put it this way, I won't be taking that pill anymore. It was absolutely awful!!! If I ever HAVE to (and it would be last resort), I'd cut it in half, which would make it a 5 mg dosage. That would probably still be more than enough.
Today, the Celexa didn't mess my stomach so much, only a tiny bit, and I didn't feel zombie like. I felt more like myself today, just a very tired version of myself. I still haven't got used to the idea of being back on anti depressants, cuz I told myself that I would never go back on them, but, as everyone keeps telling me, it's not that bad to be on them, when you need to be. I just hate admitting that I can't do it on my own right now. It's more of an ego blow than anything. My goal is still to not to have to be on them for the rest of my life. That...I refuse to do. Given that I know that you can cure yourself of terminal illnesses if you choose to, I refuse to play victim to this depression thing. Not gonna happen. I'm willing to admit that I need "assistance" at this point in my life, right now. But I'll be damned if I'll stay on them permanently, as yesterday's doc was suggesting. No way, no how...
Anyhoo...that's my day today. Oh...and Danard and I had an acupucture and massage appointments today, which were fabulous. Every little bit helps. We were going to go to a sweat lodge tonight, but it would have been a bit too much to handle. Don't wanna overdo it.
Okay...I'm done now. More later. Time for bed...
Morgana
I decided to do some writing right at this moment, because it's too early to go to bed, and Danard is watching a DVD about bugs. Eek! We started watching it last night, and I ended up running away from the living room squeeling like a girl. There's nothing like losing the cool exterior like queeling at the sight of a big, black, ugly, abnormally LARGE moth (or some othercreepy crawly-like creature) on your TV screen. Not exactly what I had in mind the evening's enertainment!!!
So I'm here, in the other room, trying NOT to listen in, because then I just get visuals in my head that are potentially far worse that what's actually on the screen at the moment. So what do bugs and dentists have to do with each other (as per tonights title) you ask??? Absolutely squat.
I just had a dentist appointment today and finally got the freezing out of my mouth about an hour ago. I HATE the dentist, as most people do. Not that I have anything against the particular human who is doing my dental work, my current dentist is actually quite fabulous. I just hate the whole concept and procedure. Especially today's ordeal. I'm having the remaining 4 mercury fillings replaced by the white fillings, plus I have a cracked tooth (over top of which was one of the fillings to be remodeled) that as of now, has a temporary crown, which will be replaced by a porcelain one in 2 weeks.
The crown, wasn't so bad. One of the replacement fillings...wasn't so bad. It was the very large filling that had been there since I was a kid, THAT was the bad one. Apparently the filling had degraded or something, and underneath was a lot of decay...nearly to the root. Basically, I very narrowly escaped a root canal. Needless to say, despite the 2 needles in my jaw, which currenly hurt like a sonuvabitch, I still felt pain. Danard was an angel though. He sat with my in my appointment, forced to listen to the drilling (I think that's the worst part of the whole thing), and Reiki'd me the whole time. (2 and a half hours) He has to be the most patient, kind being in the universe, to be willing...he was the one who offered his services, because he knew I was very nervous....to sit with me through all of that. This is one of the many things that I love so much about him. I think I would have not made it through that appointment, had it not been for him. So, thank you to Danard! You are my angel!!!
My whole body, especially my neck, is seized up because I was in a complete state of anxiety the whole time. I'm thinking a hot bath would be in order right about now. Anyhoo. It's all done and I'm very very glad for that.
Okay...last night, I thought it would be a cool idea to recap my 30 day experiment. To those who may not know what I'm talking about. 34 days ago, I went to a workshop on something called creating your own Mastermind Group. A group where you brainstorm each others ideas for whatever it is your trying to create, or solve. And you all come up with ideas for that...whatever it is. I had an inspiration to have a "30 Change My Reality" experiment, to see where it would take me, and what would change in that 30 days. So...here were are at day 34. Let's see what's changed...
I started off with a really huge focus of how to get out of the day job because it was making me completely miserable, and causing a lot of tension and stress on the home front as well. Not to mention the depression and anxiety as well. What I've created since day 1 is the following:
1) I'm now on Chapter 3 of my first book, that I'll be publishing as an e-book. Authoring was something I never had interest in doing before this. The whole thing came from the suggestion from a friend of ours who told about this e-book thing and that you can create a passive income from it. COOL!!!
2) I've got 2 new paintings nearly completed.
3) I've got ideas for several books and what will become workshops that I'll be teaching.
4) I've been off work for 2 weeks now, at full time pay, on stress leave. I will be off for sure, for another 2 weeks, possibly longer.
5) I'm seeing a councellor to help deal with my stress, depression and anxiety. It is helping.
6) I have some other business / promotion thing in the works for this summer, with the help of some brainstorming from a couple other friends.
7) We have help from yet other friends, with building a website. (thank you again, Tim, Heather and Leigh) Done on a trade, which is very cool.
8) Leigh will be helping with marketing as she is very, very good at it. This will also be done on a trade basis, which is fabulous as we don't actually have cash to pay for marketing.
9) Danard and I will be taking a marketing workshop at the end of May that is a "pay what you can" deal. We did the intro tonight, and it looks like it will be really an amazing weekend.
So, lots has shifted since the beginning of this experiment. As a result, I have decided to continue this on to a 60 day thing, if anything, just to see what happens. It seems, lots has happened in the first 30, it can only get better from here.
Now...to tackle the not sleeping issue. Once I can get a decent night sleep where I don't feel like I'd been run over by a city bus when I wake up, I might be able to speed this process up. In the meantime, let's just see where this all goes, shall weeeee???
Okee, NOW it's time for bed. G'night all!
Morgana
She also suggested anti depressants. Since I've had problems with depression and anxiety since I hit puberty, she figures that councelling ain't enough. That it's an ongoing problem. As much as I don't want to be on medication, she's probably right. So, I'll try that until I can get it together and get stablized, and see if I can go off them at that point. She also suggested looking for another job too. Which I've considered, but haven't had the energy to start looking. Eventually I will. But when you don't have enough energy to get out of bed, it's pretty daunting to think of looking for work. My goal is still to finish writing my book, get it out there, and see if I can create enough of that passive income to live on and go from there.
At least for now. I have time to what I want, and to get my head together, and still have a paycheque so I can survive.
This is all good! I couldn't believe the sense of relief when I knew that I wouldn't have to walk back into that office for at least 2 weeks. A huge weight has bee lifted from my shoulders.
Okay...that's all for now. Danard has already started watching the movie he rented. Gonna go join him...
It also occured to me that I'm past my "30 day" goal of changing my life, so I thought it would be appropriate to do a recap, but I think I'll do that later tonight, or tomorrow.
Stay tuned,
Morgana
I put the mixed batter on the waffle maker, spread it around evenly, and then closed the lid. Okay...easy, right? Not so much. At least not for me. I didn't know how long I should wait before lifting the lid. This was my fatal mistake. I lifted the lid way too soon. When I did, not only was the waffle not cooked, but it came apart it a very uneven fashion. Some was stuck to the top, and some to the bottom. Which made what was supposed to have been a mouthwatering, golden brown masterpiece of a breakfast, ended being....well.... What it really looked like was a mixed up, mulched up pile of goo - half cooked, and half not cooked.
So, in my brilliance, I close the lid hoping that it might magically "heal" if it cooked longer. This was not going to happen. Danard saw what I had created and laughed his ass off at my expense. What was he to expect? I've never made the damn things before! He then told me that I had to wait until there was steam coming out of it, and I could see that the waffle inside was starting to turn brown. Which I did. And sure enough...the same mess showed itself when I finally opened up the lid again. It was a complete and utter disaster!
I managed to scrape the bits and pieces off the top and bottom of the waffle iron and proceeded to add butter and syrup. Dammit, if I'm going to go to that effort to make waffles, I'm going to bloody well eat them, no matter what they look like. They were cooked. They still tasted okay, but just wasn't easy to eat in pieces like that. Oh well...ya win some ya lose some.
I made another batch. This time I waited for the appropriate length of time, with the only mistake being that I put too much batter in the maker. Haven't had that one yet...I was too full after the first one to have more, so I'm not sure if it's cooked all the way through or not. I'll find out tomorrow...
Morgana
PS. The waffles I made, in no way, resembled the one in the picture at the top...
I'm so exhausted today. I think I spent way too much time writing yesterday. I have been completely useless today. I spent half the day in bed today. My head hurts, my neck hurts, everything seems to hurt. I think I'll be pacing myself better when writing for the time being. My energy levels are way too low to handle that many hours in front of the computer anymore. I haven't even got dressed today, ugh. I guess I'm going to have to soon. Danard and I are going to see Celestine Prophecy tonight.
Short post today. Gotta go get dressed...
Morgana
So, Leigh and I went to this short workshop on self publishing. It was quite interesting. I'm not sure if she learned anything new, being that she's been doing this author thing for a lot longer than I have, but I was very inspired by the whole thing. Part of it was a sales pitch for the authors new book about how to publish your own book, which I ended up buying. I got some ideas on how to market the book when it's done. Got inspired to keep writing. It was all pretty cool.
Other than that, I spent most of the day writing. I now have almost 3 chapters finished. I was still writing when Danard got home from his air brakes course, and then we headed out to have dinner with his dad, step mom and brother.
That's about all for now...
Morgana
I told HR that I was working on getting a doctor who could fill this thing out, and she said that was cool, and if I had any trouble finding someone, not to worry about the April 13 deadline. Which was the first relief that I had. After I got off the phone with her, about 5 minutes later, she called me back. I guess corporate health has a group of doctors that they deal with for stuff like this. She booked an appointment for me, for Tuesday, with a female doctor to boot (yeah!) to talk about what's going on, and to fill out whatever paperwork needs to be filled out.
She also said that I might not need this specific form filled out that they sent me, they have their own forms, and the cost of those forms being filled out, is covered by work. Normally, this kind of form can be pretty expensive, so this is really cool that, not only do I have a doctor to go do about this, but I won't have to fork out any cash to have it filled out. Big time bonus!!
And...apparently, this doctor is really good. I asked if we can keep this referral for our regular medical needs, HR wasn't sure about that, but it won't hurt to ask while I'm there. If not, I'm sure I can get a referral from Leigh's doctor. So, for the first time in a while, I feel like things are looking up, a bit.
I asked HR what the protocol for long term leave would be as well, if I need it. There is a form, but shouldn't be a problem getting that filled out too, if my new doc thinks I need that much time off. I'm really relieved that I'm not going to be pressured to go back to work, if I'm not up to it. I have to say...the job might be extremely stressfull...enough to cause me to have to take time off, but when that happens, they are really great about taking care of their employees. I've never had a job before that even had this type of program before, so this is really cool.
So, despite the "dark night of the soul" that I'm going through, I can still see some sort of ray of light, peeking through the clouds out there, somewhere. I'm sure I'll come out of it, stronger than ever, and ready to handle anything. Not to mention, I'll be a much better practitioner when this is all dealt with. I'm thinking this is the Universes way of forcing me to deal with some stuff that I never really dealt with. Like childhood issues, mom / control (ie. being controlled) issues, and mom passing away issues. I guess I have no choice now but to "get over it" so to speak, with the help of a pro. Which, I feel, will make me a better advisor for others going through the same kind of stuff. (I see a lecture tour in my future, lol...)
This might actually make a great book someday. Ugh. Here we go again...I guess I'm becoming an author despite never having the intention, nor desire to be one, before all of this. Weird how things happen...now look at me! It'll be interesting to see where this all goes.
Okay. That's all for now.
Morgana
I'm having a conflict right now as to how much detail I want to blog here about what I'm feeling these days. Needless to say, from my title tonight, I had a bit of an "episode" earlier on. Danard happened to be looking over my shoulder, and told me that I shouldn't be writing so much detail about what's been happening (this is my 2nd draft of this post). His feeling is that he's worried that someone at work - or otherwise - might read what I'm posting, and "turn it against me" somehow, as he put it.
Personally, my own delimma would be how much crap does everyone out there reading, really want to know about my personal meltdowns. Maybe a public forum isn't the best place for that, but it does have a therapeutic value to it. So, I'm not sure what to do.
Does anyone have any suggestions? Especially those who I work with at said job, and know the politics that go on there. Let's take a poll, lol. Maybe no one wants to hear this stuff anyway. I wonder if everyone reading is just getting so sick of my bitching and complaining that I should just not talk about this stuff anymore, especially in a public forum. There's of course, always the business that I'm working on building. Does it look really bad for me as a practitioner - someone who's supposed to be able to help others through their own shit - to have potential clients, or students, or whatever - read that I'm not able to manage my own life at this particular moment?
I worry that by me writing this stuff "out there", that it will damage my ability to build this business, once I'm on the other side of this meltdown, and have gotten through it. Will this permanently ruin my reputation? ...if I even have one to begin with, that is.
Just a lot of questions that I have right now. Just curious as to what y'all think about this? Maybe I'm worrying over nothing.
Anyhoo...on a positive note...yes there is one in here somewhere. I got great news on what I'll be getting back on my tax return. I won't give the amount, but it was more than I was expecting. So, between that, my claim that I have to submit for the extended health care that I have from work for the massage, chiropractic and councelling sessions that I've paid for - I'll get reimbursed for all that as well. Plus, my paycheck, and the savings that I have (which isn't the $918 thats currently showing on the meter...more bills, ugh!), I'm in pretty good shape. If my calculations are correct, I'll actually have more than my goal savings on the meter. WooHoo!!! I'm pretty happy about that.
Anyhoo. That's all I have the energy to write at the moment. I'm going to go sit in the tub for a while. My brain hurts, amongst other things. Time for a time out.
More later...
Morgana
After I wrote in my journal on Friday, I got a delivery at the door - the Soul Cards that I ordered from Amazon. They're pretty cool. The really cool thing, is that this is a deck, that if you use them for readings, they don't give you the meanings for the cards in the book. The book only teaches you how to interpret them, which could be different for every reading. The artwork is designed to trigger stuff in your subconscious - kinda like the inkblots that shrinks use to analyse what's going on inside a patient's head. And of course, the artwork is amazing on this cards. I haven't used them yet, for inspiration for my own art work yet, but that will be coming soon.
I had one of those weekends in general where I honestly don't even remember what I was doing. Sunday I remember, but Saturday is a blank. I know I did...stuff, but to remember what, might take a bit of effort to recall. Even as I sit trying to get some image of what I did all day, it's a complete and total blank.
Yesterday felt a lot busier than it actually was. I spent the morning doing absolutely nothing. I was barely able to lift myself off of the couch, much less anything else. Whilst Danard decided to go to church. Yes, that ugly 6 letter word that I can't stand. He does this ever now and again, I think just to experience different points of view on spirituality. I went with him once to a church on Centre St., it was...interesting. Maybe I'll write about that adventure sometime, but for now, I'll just say that I admire his curiosity for other religions. I for one, fully admit that I have far too many of my own hang-ups about organized religions, to be that curious. Yesterday, he went to a Jehova Witness church. He asked if I wanted to do...I declined. He even took a Jehova bible with him that he picked up from who knows where. Eek, scary. I don't think he's turning religious on me though...at least I hope not, lol!
He decided to try to play a joke on me when he got home. Instead of letting himself in, he rang the doorbell, as if he was one of those door to do religion salesmen. I, of course, looked out the window before I went downstairs before answering, so I knew it was him. I just thought he left his keys at home. When I opened the door, he made some comment that was like the usual intro that the canvassers use. What a goofball he is...in a good way of course. He's good at doing silly things to try to make me laugh, and often succeeds at it too. Which is touch these days, but he's good at it.
After that, we got together with Leigh, Heather and Tim, to have our first Mastermind meeting (see one of my previous posts about that topic). We did some brainstorming at this exotic hot dog cafe called Le Chien Chaud. I had a French hot dog: dijon, sauteed mushrooms, gruyer cheese. Really good..especially for a hot dog. Next time, I'm going to try the Chicago.
After that, it was our Reiki circle. We had dinner beforehand, and only 1 person showed up. I went into depression mode, thinking that it was because of me and my complaining about my job and just generally being depressed all the time, that we had only 1 guest. I'm still not convinced that I wasn't because of me that people seem to have stopped coming, but I'm just not going to think about it, or it'll make me more depressed.
I had a good session. I actually got my mind to shut up for a change. I pretty much was "out" for most of my session. I wanted to go straight to bed after that, but Danard wouldn't let me, as we still had one more session to do on the friend of ours who came out. I just sat on the rocker and participated in his session from a few feet away. I was "out" for most of that session too. As soon as we were done, I went to bed. I slept okay last night, but not great. I hope that I can eventually be rested when I sleep, so I can actually have energy during the day. I'm sure eventually I will. I do have hope about that...
Not much to say about today, except that I've heard from work, about my application for time off. Good news is that they're covering me up until April 13 at the very least. They're mailing me a form I have to fill out with more questions they have for me. Then they'll decide on the rest of my time off, if I get it or not. I sure hope so...
I did manage to muster up some energy to do some work on my book. I have about 3 quarters of the first chapter done. I got that far, and pooped out. It only took me about 45 minutes to write that much, and then I was too tired to write more. My goal is to write a chapter a day. Which, being that it's only a workbook, should be a pretty realistic goal. I write fast...
Anyhoo...that's all for now. I know my writing lately, isn't exactly upbeat, like I prefer to do, but at least I'm writing, which I think does help. Even if few people read this blog, lol... I think this process is more for me anyway. Kinda like therapy..which I have another appointment booked for on Friday. I like my councellor. She's really good, and understands all of this energy stuff that I talk about. Good thing. I think a lot of councellors would think I was nuts...sometimes I think I'm nuts, lol...
Even though I'm feeling "ucky", I think things are still looking up. This time off will give me some space to re-evaluate my life, so I can make the necessary changes, so that maybe...just maybe, I won't have to have a day job to make ends meet. Maybe when this is all done, I'll be able to go part time and have an income, so I can work on the business, and eventually quit. Maybe...juuussttt maybe!
I got through yesterday, which was rather challenging to say the least. I was feeling rather "ucky" this morning, but not too bad now. Still in my jammies though. My goal right now, to spend the weekend resting up, and once I know know if I get approved for the time off thing, I'll be able to figure out what I'm going to be doing for the next while.
If I get a approved, I'll be getting down to work on the business next week. My goal...to really get down to business of creating that e-book so I can get on with creating my passive income. All with the goal in mind of either being able to drop my hours at work, and eventually quit altogether. That place really is toxic for me. It's taken me 4 days of doing nothing but...well...nothing, just to feel okay. Not great, just okay. I'm still tired though, but will improve with time.
Yesterday afternoon, I went out onto the balcony for a while to catch some fresh spring air. Every once in a while, I would catch this really amazing spring like smell, not unlike things coming back to life. (go figure!) It would, for a split second every time, make me feel like spring. You know that feeling, like all is good with the world. But after that split second retreated from whence it came, I went back to feeling like I would never feel good again. I know this is not true, but tell that to your emotions. They just kinda go, "Ya, right. Maybe in the next lifetime!". I finally went back inside, leaving the patio door wide open, because I knew on some level, that the fresh air was doing me some good. I layed down on the couch with the blankie that my Grandma Smith made for me when I was 8, and just allowed myself to feel crappy.
I think that's actually the trick with all of this stuff. If you feel like crap, don't fight it, just feel it, with every fibre of your being. Because ya know, before too long (I think I actually fell asleep for a few minutes, until the phone rang...), I was starting to feel okay again. I kept thinking to myself, "how am I ever going to get through this?" Then I asked for some serious Divine Intervention, and just breathed in the wonderful spring air, and I just started feeling better. Tired, but better.
As soon as Danard gets off the phone, I'm going to call the HR department, and see how things are progressing with my application for time off. In the meantime, I'm going to continue to do nothing.
More later,
Morgana
I went to work on Monday, barely got through the day, and have been calling in sick everday since. I actually went to a councellor on Tuesday about all of this, which I have been told, is not unheard of at this job. There is one thing good about this job, other than the regular pay cheque and really good health benifit package. They also have short term disability insurance. You can get up to 30 days off at full pay. If you have to be off work longer than that, you can qualify for 70% of your pay. I'm now in the process of having the paperwork to submit (and hopefully get approved for) much needed some time off.
Of course, I've been dilgent in keeping everyone informed at work - my team manager, scheduling and the hr departement. The forms needs to be submitted by tomorrow. My councellor (who is fabulous, by the way) said she won't have time to work on it today, due to a lot of bookings today. I'm hoping she can have it done so we can fax it tomorrow.
Anyhoo...that's my life right now. My plan when and if I'm approved for time off? First - to get my energy back, to learn how to get a good night's sleep again, and generallly get healthy again. Second, to figure out what I'm going to do about this whole job thing....maybe start looking for a new one that's more in line with my path. Third - to work on my ebook in which I have an outline that's now 13 chapters long so I can start building that passive income. Goal, maybe even to have it finished. Fourth - to spend some time working on my paintings, and maybe start trying my hand at watercolors, which is not one of my strong points as an artist, to say the least.
It is very interesting, the changes that have taken place over the past 21 days of this exeriment. I do believe that setting that goal has had everything to do with the way things have played out. I was trying to meditate last night, and had some interesting insights. Not sure if these "insights" area really insights, or just that I have completelyl lost my freekin' mind already, but here goes. My feeling was that this time off thing that's in the works, is actually my "safety net" that my higher self has been telling me about for the past 2 months, in terms of that feeling that I had to just quit the day job, altogether. Once I had made the decision to go part time, by no later than May 1, something began to happen. My stress level, that was already at an altime high, went literally beyond my max. My feeling last night was that my higher self / guides, and whoever else had something to do with this, was actually intentionally pushing me to my limit and beyond, so that I would get to the point where I would have to put an application in for time off, or I might end up in the hospital.
This, I was told, was needed for 2 reasons: (1) being that I'm someone who does not abuse a system like this, and would much rather just continue to deal with my job and the stress, than take time off, I had to get pushed to the point where I was getting sick to actually make the decision to apply. (2) so that whoever ended up filling out the forms for me, would really see what this place is doing to me mentally, emotionally, spiritually an physically. I needed to be "at the end of my rope" so to speak, for that to happen.
And believe me, I've been at the end, pretty much. But there's hope now. I won't be taking on any clients for a while yet, needless to say, as I need to work on myself for a while. Plus, we have to spend time getting ready for the Body, Soul and Spirit Expo coming soon. Once I do my own self healing, I suspect that I'll be better than ever and ready to start my new life!! I'm looking forward to that.
If there's anyone out there reading this who is a "potential client or student", I'd like to add this disclaimer: In no way, will this state of mind I'm currently in, affect my ability to perform as a Reiki Master / Teacher / Medical Intuitive. This is completely temporary.
We all go through our "stuff", even healers do, and then have to deal with it. We just need to know when to take time out to take care of ourselves, and I'm learning that lesson up close and personally. Once I get through this phase, I'll be even more capable of showing others, tools to help heal themselves. The idea is to learn from the experience and move on. Hopefully in a way that can help others in the process.
In any case, I'm going to go continue doing the self care thing, and try to do as little as possible for the rest of the day.
More later gang...
Morgana
Here's a few more of my favorite cards from the Soul Cards Deck. Aren't they gorgeous?!?
Morgana
I did however, make some big progress on a painting that I started working on a week and a half ago at one of our Reiki circles. I got inspired last night. Which started by printing up some samples of this really amazing tarot deck that I've been coveting for about 2 months now. The artwork in this deck is incredible. See the pic to the right - it's one of them. I picked that one for this post because it's kinda how I feel today.
It's called Soul Cards. I've been wanting to buy that deck only somewhat for the purpose of doing readings. The main reason is for the inpiring artwork that has given rise to an actual artist in me. The colors are the kind that I love to use in my paintings, and the style of art, is what I've been trying to achieve. So, I had fun last night. It's kinda cool, cuz when I was much younger - early 20's - when I first moved from sketching and pastels, to oil, acrylic and canvas, I always wanted to be able to paint what was in my head, but could never get past the critique. You know the one. The one who tells you that anything you put on canvas is going to look like a 3 year old created it.
About 6 months ago, I started doodling one day, and next thing you know, I was doing this really neat stuff that actually looked like art. I decided to venture out and try that with paint. I started slowly, with a thunderbird that I did, which took me about 6 months, and still...really isn't completely finished. I've done a few abstracts since then, and in about 3 paintings, I've gone from looking like a very angry 6 year old, to something that might actually pass for art. With a definitive influence from the Soul Cards. I was totally in my bliss last night. I'd love to do that everyday, all day, and just do that...well...mixed in with writing, singing, doing healing work and readings...maybe occasionally skiing...
I'll post a few more examples of these wonderful cards, in my next post...
Anyway, despite my complete exhaustion, bordering on breakdown, I feel inspired everytime I think, or walk by my "baby" sitting on the easel.
Today, I ordered both Soul Cards decks from Amazon with a gift card I got from work for booking my vacation early. It was an incentive to get people to take time off now, because we've been "overstaffed" with a lack of calls coming in. At least, this is what they've been telling us. I was a little miffed when I found out that this gift card, that I was under the original impression, would be a cash gift card that you could spend anywhere, including just getting cash so I could pay my share of the gas bill with. I got over that really fast when I saw that one of the stores you could use that card at was Amazon. Immedialely, I jumped for joy, and up from my desk (it was my break) and ran for the nearest public computer located in the cafeteria of our office, to get online, to order my cards. Even stranger?! Last night, when I had been looking around Amazon.ca, they only had the 2nd edition of soul cards, not the first one. Today, they had both. Go figure. And they were both, almost half the price of what you would pay for them at a retail store. Yippeee!!!! My order confirmation says I'll have them in my hot little hands by Wednesday of next week. I love the speed of ordering from Amazon. They are so wonderful.
And I just had a thought that popped into my head as I was writing this. I wasn't supposed to be able to spend that $50 on practical stuff like my gas bill. I was supposed to buy something that I really really wanted, that inspires me. It was there to teach me to take care of myself by not withholding the things that really mean something to me, from myself. That it's important to pamper yourself once in a while, otherwise, you start to feel very deprived, and eventually resentful because you can't have those things you really want. Which, I realize now, is a big pattern in my life. I really do withold those things that I really want, even if it's achieving a dream as if I don't deserve it. Gotta stop that now!
I think we're all victim (er...well...not really victim...it really is a choice we make) to that sometimes.
Okay. I"m done now. I'll write more tomorrow. Danard and I went to see What the Bleep 2 tonight. Had some aha's during that too. But I'll save that for later...for now. It's bed time for me.
G'Night to all!
Morgana
This will be a shorter post this time. Cool stuff today that I think shows that I'm on the right track. I was talking to HB (see link to her blog on the right) about the stuff I've been talking about here. I happened to mention how lousy I am at the concept of building a website, and she mentioned that her hubby, Tim, is really good at that kind of stuff. So, I asked if he might be willing to help out with this project on a trade. I figger that between Leigh, Tim, HB, myself and Danard, we should be able to muster something together that would look pretty dern cool. So...we're having a meeting on Sunday morning, this coming to discuss it all.
This new happening conincedence? I think not...let's keep the synchronicities comin'!!!
HB also loved the idea (which I posted to her blog) about having regular Mastermind meetings. So, Leigh, if you're reading this...we're askin' if you'd like to be a part of all of this as well. (including if you're healthy enough to have a meeting on Sunday morning with us) So, that's the plan for this week, other than me continuing to work on the e-book.
On that note, seeing as I haven't worked on it since yesterday, in between calls at work, I'd better get to work on that. Er...maybe I should have dinner first though.
Okay...that's all for now. Stay tuned!
Morgana
Yesterday, being day 12, I got my well organized receipts and T4's transported over to one of my Reiki students, who does my taxes every year. So, sometime in the not too distant future, I'll know what my tax return will be. I'm hoping (as everyone does) that it will be a big one. Last year was really good, so I'm hoping for at least that amount. I figure, because I made about the same amount of money in 2005, and had more business expenses, that my return this year will be even better. Even if it's around the same though, I've educatedly hypothesised (say that 10 times fast...hehe) that I'll have enough of a cushion that I could easily drop to part time very soon, like say...in the next month at the outside. I'm so excited about that! Give me a sense of not only muchly needed relief, but that also there is a light at the end of the tunnel that I can actually see now.
On that note, last night I had an epiphany. I was sitting at the computer after Danard and I got home from Barb's place, looking at Caroline Myss's site. If anyone out there doesn't know who she is, you need to find out, she's fantastic. She's a world renowned medical intuitive, who has books, cd's, dvd, and does lectures all over the world. I've been studing her stuff, for about a year now. Anyway. I was looking at something on her site, and I had one of those moments where you hear a voice in your head...you know...THOSE moments. lol...
So, I don't remember what it was I was reading exactly, but this voice started talking to me...I'm assessing that I was my higher self who had frankly just become indignant to the fact that I hadn't acted on her guidance, dispite the frequent kicks in the proverbial ass, that I need to trust and take this leap of faith, instead of trying to find another way out of it (ie. the "safe" way out...) Well, she shows up, giving me this image in my mind of her standing in front of me with her hands on her hips saying (in a very booming, authoritative voice) "So, if you keep getting these intuitive hits to quit or at least drop to part time hours at the job...why the hell haven't you done that yet?!?" She continues by reminding me that "if you really trust this info that's coming through, then just freekin' take the leap, already".
Ya...I got blasted good. So, I thought about that for a while, gently reminded by one part in a Myss CD that we have that talks about how sometimes the HS will make us feel so incredibly uncomfortable in the current situation, that it will give you no other option than to make a change. So, I took that as my final hint.
Upon heading to bed, I decided to talk to Danard about this...still not really trusting what I should do with this not so new information. Yes...trust is a bit of an issue when it comes to my intuition. Ironic, being that it's my intent to do this intuitive thing for a living. So, as we were talking, I finally decided to actually make a decision. Yes...me...indecisive me, actually made a definative choice. That decision, you ask? That by no later than May 1 of 2006, I WILL be dropping my hours back to part time. That I WILL have some money saved by then. That I WILL NOT spend my income tax money on stupid shit. That no matter how much money is saved by then to cushion me, I WILL be going part time on or before May 1. Period. End of Story! Done Deal...
I've actually done some math and even if I only had $1500 saved by then, which is waaaaaayyy conservative, I'd still have enough cushion for a shortfall - income wise - of $400 / month for almost 4 months. This without taking into consideration that by then, the powers that be at work, will be screaming for everyone to take extra shifts to cover the demand of the incoming calls. So that if I absolutely have to, I can take extra shifts to cover my butt, but have the flexibility of not having to. For a while, anyway... In the meantime, I'll be busting my ass so hard that I'll be black and blue, to get this passive income at least started to cover that shortfall, and beyond, and to of course, eventually quit altogether.
So, that's where I leave off for Day 12...
Read the next post for Day 13
Morgana
I've been brainstorming ideas for classes I can teach besides Reiki, so I had already begun this process. Now I'm working on building these books, so I can sell them and create my passive income doing something that I enjoy.
My first one will be on connecting and communication with your Higher Self. I just started working on that one tonight. My goal: to have it done in no more than 6 weeks. Sooner, if I really motor...
The meeting was awesome (thanks Leigh!!! You rock!!). Basically the short of it is, she's going to write some articles about us, and have them published in her usual channels, and touch us...ie FREE advertising for Thunderbird Sky. And she gets paid for her articles, so it's win-win.
Well, I guess I can't say that I haven't gotten anything done. I also got my receipts all ready and organized for taxes, and even tallied up with totals in each category. Now, I just have to get those receipts to my accountant, who's actually a student of mine. My goal there...to call her this week and find out when I can go up to her place and drop my file folder off.
I was really depressed after that game, feeling like I no chance of hell in getting out of my rat race mentality, much less, actually physically getting out...I was a mess on Saturday night. Danard and I had a big fight, but made up after that. We talked about things after he came back for a long walk, and watched a video on healing your childhood. Very powerful. I bawled my eyes out the whole time. And the house is at peace again!
Morgana
Morgana
In hopes that blogspot gets these technical issues sorted out quickly, I'll copy my post from TBS, over to here, which is where this one belongs to begin with...
I think I'm on day 6 of the "changing my reality" series. I don't seem to be too good at keeping on top of things with my posts over there, or here for that matter. My "excuse" you ask? Well, when ya get home from work after dealing with crabby customers all day, who wants to sit in front of the computer any longer? A lot of times, not me, that's for sure.
But, enough of that. Complaining won't get me anywhere, lol. Onward and Upward...
We left of last episode with Danard and Candice having just had a long meeting with Wes and Angela about web marketing. Ugh! All I can say is that it seems as if the more information that I get on this whole subject, the more confused and frustrated I get. Sometimes, I really wish that I could live in the whole "ignorance is bliss" mentality, because sometimes, I really think it would be easier. But alas, we're trying to run a business, so I guess I have to give in and just go with it, and learn as much as I can.
We're looking forward to our next meeting on Sunday with my good friend and fellow blogster, Leigh, from The Spinning Pen (have I mentioned that she's a fabulous writer yet? If not, I say Go See Her Blog!!!She's great!!! Danard and I are meeting with her because she has agreed, unless we really unimpress her on Sunday, on a trade of services. We provide her with relaxation and readings and stuff of that nature, and she provides us with HELP in the marketing of our little baby called Thunderbird Sky. I actually ran into her at work the other day, as she was temping as team manager while ours was in training. She gave me a slight hint on what she's going to be presenting to us on Sunday. Something about a 3 pronged marketing plan, as she gets this...mischievious yet excited look on her face that made her look like she had the secret to the universe in her back pocket. So, needless to say, I'm very intrigued as to what she has up her lovely little sleeve, and how it may possible have an influence as to if and how I can quit my day job.
We'll be giving her a session - a reading and a reiki - what we've lovingly nicknamed the "R 'n R", to not only help her do some needed relaxin' that she needs, but to give her an idea of just what it is that we have to offer the world, and why it needs to get out there to the masses, and all the movie stars and rock stars of the world! ---I only hope that we're really THAT good...hehe.
So, who knows, maybe there's hope yet for me. Maybe I can keep my sanity in tact for a little while longer. Hopefully long enough to survive my hopefully short stint at (Insert company name here...).
Stay tuned...
Morgana
Now...I have to not only narrow down a topic that I can write about, which I have quite a lot of ideas for, but figure out how to put it into book form. I've been a natural writer since I was a kid, but quite frankly, I've never had the urge to write a book. But then...I have a lot of knowledge in this area of spirituality and such, that I'm sure I could write several. So, one more thing that I have to find time to do. Ugh. But I have to look at it this way. It'll be worth it in the end, and probably be a lot of fun too. So, I have a few different e-books, then maybe...juuussstt maybe, I might be able to create enough passive income so that I can quit my wonderful day job, so I can focus on what I really want to do.
Okay...now to start my new big project. Maybe anyone (if there is anyone) reading this, could provide some feedback on things you would like to learn about in relation to healing work, intuitive "stuff", reiki, energy healing, spirituality. Anything in those types of headings, but certainly not limited to. This might help me figure out what kind of info people are looking to learn about.
Okay. That's all for now. I think it's time for bed, my brain hurts now!
More later...
Blessings,
MorganaSacredWalker
Boy...do I ever suck at writing a blog post everyday. Maybe I'll have to just resign myself to the fact that I'll have to incorporate 2 days of my day by day accounts of how I'm going about the process of acutally changing my reality, every second day...or so...
In any case, today's installment will be 2 days in one.
Danard picked me up from my whirlwind 2 day Art and Spirit worshop which was absolutely amazing! I've learned a lot about myself, and developed a whole new level of confidence in my ability to actually BE an artist. Where do I begin with my experiences at the class. We started off the weekend (Saturday) with a little bit of "dancing while painting" which was interesting. Interesting meaning, I had a hell of a hard time not spraying paint all over the wall and floor beside and under my large canvas made of poster paper. hehe...little kid comes out to play, with my mean adult looming close by to inforce the "clean up" policy, with a nearby art teacher insisting that it really was okay to make a mess, because it was poster paint we were using that is water solluable. (see later on in this post for the results of that experiment!)
After that, we actually danced around the room, to get us more loostened up (Patrick musta thought we were pretty...well...not so loose, that we needed to do that, lo.), by using our whole bodies to "paint in the air" so to speak. It was kinda fun too. Then we would go back to our walls, and dance while painting a little more. He would encourage us to stand back at our canvases full of color that really didn't seem to make any sense whatsoever, to see if we saw any other images coming through. Mine turned into a tree that took up 2 more sheets of paper. Later, it was discovered that there was a blue fairy sitting on one of the branches, and the beginning of angel wings forming beside the tree, which later became a full fledged angel.
We also did those grade one art projects where you lay on a big sheet of paper, trace out your body and paint those. We really go in touch with our inner 5 yr olds that day. Mine, again...became a big ol' angel with these really cool irridecent wings of gold, blue, silver pink, purple, etc. It now hangs on our wall going up the stairs to the kitchen. I was going to take it down today, but Danard says he likes it up there and said we should keep it there. Not sure why I wanted to take it down, but I'm sure that has some kind of inner meaning too.
We also made a collage of whatever images or words that grabbed our attention in the myriad of magazines that he brought. Mine was interested, as there was lots of images of "taking big leaps" of various kinds...maybe that means something? hehe...I could get into the detail of all the images that came out, where they were placed in relation to other images, and the symbolic messages of those, but it would take too long in this one email, so I'll leave that for another day.
The short of it all is, I learned a lot, and I'm more confident in my abilities as an artist of the "oil on canvas" sort. Patrick commented that he actually saw me as someone who is an artist. I think meaning that maybe I have some potential to do more with it besides paint something and hide it in a closet somewhere. Who knows...I do know I really enjoy the prcess.
I started a new painting last night during Reiki circle. It's turning out really cool. Can't explain it, just lotsa color and much more confident looking in the brush strokes. It actually looks like something that a pro would create.
Oh...and about the "clean up job" of washing the paint splatters from the floors and walls...hehe...it wasn't as easy as I was told it would be. I just hope for Patrick's sake, that the manager of the community centre doesn't notice the few spots I wasn't able to get clean. That's all I have to say...hehe. It was really fun to freely be able to make a mess though...(little kid "evil" laugh!)
Okay...that's all for now. More later...
Blessings,
Morgana
I was going to write last, which was actually day 2 but alas, I was way too exhausted to sit in front of the computer, so I'm writing this morning, to fill in.
Yesterday, was the first day of a 2 day Art and Spirit workshop I'm taking, which is really about healing with art. Really cool class, actually. It got very emotional at times. Our instructor is the "model" of what art instructors should be like. He's able to pull (or help you to do that) stuff out of you that you didn't know was there. Really cool stuff.
I'll write more about the class tonight, as I have to head out the door for today's class...
More later,
Morgana
I know what I need to do, I'm just not sure how to do it. I know that it needs to happen soon, or I'm going end up having to place myself (voluntarily, or not..hehe) into some sort of institution where y0u can wear funny clothing where you get to hug yourself all day, inside a room where the walls are bouncy.
Danard and I went to this networking thing this morning - bright and early at 7am, which is quite a feat for me. There's this organization called Intelechi, they do business and life coaching, and they have a once a month breakfast to talk about various topics to get your business and life in order and working the way you want it to. Anyway. The topic today was "how to build a successful mastermind group". What's a mastemind group, you ask? Well, before today, I had no idea either, but it's a pretty cool concept.
Basically, you get a group of hopefully likeminded people, though it doesn't have to be, to brainstorm whatever it is that you need brainstorming. It works on the idea that "2 heads are better than one". So, if you pull together 4 or 5, you can come up with ideas that you wouldn't be able to on your own.
So, we did this excercise where you have a paper plate - (ie. having a lot on "your plate" to do) and you literally write down everything that needs to get done, that occupies your mind, goals..things like that. You visually put it on your plate in proportions of how much it's a priority, taking up your time, etc. Of course, you literally get a visual of what you need to do. Then you pick the one thing that is the most important on your plate and you go around the group and talk individually about what that thing is. Here's where the power comes in. You discuss in a group, ideas of how to accomplish that goal. This is where the synergy happens. Our group was only an example of this process, so we barely got into the brainstorming thing, but it gave us an idea of how powerful this process is.
After that, the coaches talked about deciding on one step you can take today to make that happen, so that in 30 days, your goal is accomplished. I acutually got pretty fired up about the idea of being able to either quit, or go to part time hours at the day job. They talked about putting a big red circle on today's date on the calendar as today being the day to "step up and do something", and 30 days from now, it fully being accomplished. So, I'm setting an official goal. 30 days from now I WILL BE ABLE TO GO PART TIME AT THE DAY JOB! I've decided that, even though I really want to just quit, to give myself a less scarey goal of just going part time. And if I accomplish more, then cool. The idea of being able to altogether quit that soon, intimidates me too much and I'm likely to choke first, just on the idea. So, I'm going take in smaller steps.
So...what to do now. Not sure, but Danard and I are getting together with 2 of the people that was in our group, who we've met with before, and talk about some of this stuff. I'm thinking I'd like to do a regular Mastermind Meetup group as well.
How it all turns out...stay tuned!
Blessings to all,
MorganaSacredWalker
I've decided that it would be best to keep our Thunderbird Sky blog as professional as possible, and have my own personal site where I can say whatever is on my mind at that exact moment, without fear of repercussions in the business. At least this is the theory. So...here I am, after midnight, officially turning a lovely shade of pumpkin orange, as it's well past my beddy time. This post will be short. Needless to say, I'm here, hoping that I won't be the only person here paying attentiont to my somewhat daily "rant". Or, maybe that's a good thing if that ends up being the case. Not sure if anyone really would be interested in hearing me vent about how I really dislike my day job.
Anyhoo. Tonight is a short post as I now REALLY have to get to bed. I can feel the pumpkin seeds forming in my stomache now, soon I will be very very round and even more orange, and won't be able to move from my spot until morning because I'll be attached to my seat with the vines that I've grown from being turned into a pumpkin. hehe...
More ramblings later.
Blessings,
MorganaSacredWalker
